Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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