i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
