If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
