I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
