sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
