Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
