i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
