We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
