i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
