and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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