seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
A bitchslap is in order.
I enjoy the company of your penis
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
