Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
