Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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