The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
