All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Farmville is her only friend.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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