I think I died a long time ago.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
