The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
