Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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