Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
