Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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