I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
