she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
