Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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