There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
