Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
