I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
