I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
