why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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