I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
