My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
