the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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