How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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