Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
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I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
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I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize