I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
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I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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