What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
