i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My penis needs a shock collar
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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