I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
