i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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