i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize
