maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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