Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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