he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize