I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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