One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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