i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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