i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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