The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
