I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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