So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
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Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
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I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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