I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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