My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
