I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
my poor anus
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
