She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
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I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
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She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.