I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.