Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
