my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee