Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.