I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.