Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
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I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
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It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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