i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
