im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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