Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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