just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
