Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
